The looooooooong day with Damien
Dada worked until 7:30 this evening, and it was a long one for me. I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I am a big dorkus and stay up late blogging (surprise!) or trying to take in some time with my spouse. The past few days, the boys have also been conspiring to rob me of a nap. Those two elements together, plus the fact that Jacob wants to wake up at least twice at night to nurse, makes for a tired mommy.
When I was pregnant with Jacob, Isaac was still predictably waking up at night, and if I didn't get much sleep I would start to get dizzy. That happened to me again this morning. I was a good little girl and got a bunch of calories in me so I wouldn't put off napping for being hungry (which sometimes happens), and then shoved the boys in the car for a "sleepy drive." I did finally get everybody to sleep at once, and I got in on at least 2 hours of that action so I wouldn't collapse.
In addition to the tiredness, there was the why-God-is-my-toddler-turning-into-Damien aspect of the day that helped make it seem super long. The three of us were hanging out on the big bed after naptime, and Isaac did something that made Jacob just laugh, real, delicious musical laughter. Isaac smiled in return and exclaimed, "I make Jakey laugh!" "Yes, yes you did, dear boy," I said. "Isn't that neat? He thinks you are really cool." But then, in the exact jubilant tone of voice, Isaac comes up with an idea: "Let's make Jakey cry!" he says.
Um, excuse me?
I realize he's just two, and that he is very much an experimenter. You can almost see the little gears turning in his thick two-year-old skull: if I pushed Ben down before and he cried, will he cry if I push him down again? If I try to jump on top of Jacob or kick him in the head, will he cry?
I do my best to discipline him when these moments arise. If he pushes somebody down, he has to tell them he's sorry, and then he gets a time-out. If he ever, EVER does ANYTHING to make Jacob cry, he gets a time-out. After the time-outs, we have a discussion about how mean it is to push or hit people, how it feels for his victim, and how that's not what nice boys, like himself, would ever do. And then he goes off and does it again.
I was seriously frustrated during our playdate yesterday with his incessant desire to push Ben down, but I must say I was not surprised. There is a definite pattern to his aggression. If you are bigger than him, you are totally awesome and hey would you like to play with his favorite toy? If you are littler than him, expect some grass stains, and maybe a bruise from where your butt hit the ground. Ben is just the slightest bit smaller than him, poor guy.
It's just disturbing. It's getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable taking him around, for example, Ella, because he won't leave her alone. Even if she isn't doing anything to offend him, he wants to chase her down and take her to the mat. It was the same with Ben; it is the same with another friend of ours, Patrick, who is Ella's age.
Where on earth could he possibly be getting it from here? Dada has swatted his butt a few times when Isaac threatened to run into the street, but other than that there is no violence here, period. And when is it going to end?
When I was pregnant with Jacob, Isaac was still predictably waking up at night, and if I didn't get much sleep I would start to get dizzy. That happened to me again this morning. I was a good little girl and got a bunch of calories in me so I wouldn't put off napping for being hungry (which sometimes happens), and then shoved the boys in the car for a "sleepy drive." I did finally get everybody to sleep at once, and I got in on at least 2 hours of that action so I wouldn't collapse.
In addition to the tiredness, there was the why-God-is-my-toddler-turning-into-Damien aspect of the day that helped make it seem super long. The three of us were hanging out on the big bed after naptime, and Isaac did something that made Jacob just laugh, real, delicious musical laughter. Isaac smiled in return and exclaimed, "I make Jakey laugh!" "Yes, yes you did, dear boy," I said. "Isn't that neat? He thinks you are really cool." But then, in the exact jubilant tone of voice, Isaac comes up with an idea: "Let's make Jakey cry!" he says.
Um, excuse me?
I realize he's just two, and that he is very much an experimenter. You can almost see the little gears turning in his thick two-year-old skull: if I pushed Ben down before and he cried, will he cry if I push him down again? If I try to jump on top of Jacob or kick him in the head, will he cry?
I do my best to discipline him when these moments arise. If he pushes somebody down, he has to tell them he's sorry, and then he gets a time-out. If he ever, EVER does ANYTHING to make Jacob cry, he gets a time-out. After the time-outs, we have a discussion about how mean it is to push or hit people, how it feels for his victim, and how that's not what nice boys, like himself, would ever do. And then he goes off and does it again.
I was seriously frustrated during our playdate yesterday with his incessant desire to push Ben down, but I must say I was not surprised. There is a definite pattern to his aggression. If you are bigger than him, you are totally awesome and hey would you like to play with his favorite toy? If you are littler than him, expect some grass stains, and maybe a bruise from where your butt hit the ground. Ben is just the slightest bit smaller than him, poor guy.
It's just disturbing. It's getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable taking him around, for example, Ella, because he won't leave her alone. Even if she isn't doing anything to offend him, he wants to chase her down and take her to the mat. It was the same with Ben; it is the same with another friend of ours, Patrick, who is Ella's age.
Where on earth could he possibly be getting it from here? Dada has swatted his butt a few times when Isaac threatened to run into the street, but other than that there is no violence here, period. And when is it going to end?
posted by Claire at 10:40 PM
2 Comments:
A swat on the butt does NOT qualify as violence, nor in my opinin does even a "normal" spanking. There is a formality, almost a ritual, to a spanking that divorces the act of discipline fron an act of cruel or thoughtless violence.
In my experience with our four kids and their five cousins, there needn't really be much "violence" for them to model. As social critters without the benefit of adult self control, kids seek the order of hierarchy. The obvious hierarchy for them to choose is that of strength. It is up to us to teach them the constraints of civilized behavior. I have told my son many times that my job is not to raise a good boy, but a good man - and the start date on that job is when the nurse hands that little screaming bundle to you.
If it is any comfort, I think you are handling it just fine. Consistent application of discipline for a given "crime" will teach him appropriate behavior. The discussion will make it HIS behavior instead of YOURS. It just takes time - more for some kids than others. Hang on, it gets easier - then harder, then easier, then harder, then easier... Think of it as an amusement park ride.
Claire, all the toddlers have their "thing". (Right now Ben's thing is sharing, or lack thereof, and random, insane moments of HORRIBLE behavior when he wants mommy and daddy's attention... did you see him HIT me right across the face in the McDonalds?)
Anyway, in just the little bit that I saw, I can attest that you are doing such a great job with him... you are so consistent and as "they" all say.... it's the consistency that is key. It's a phase and it'll pass... probably as he gets into more situations where he is the smaller kid.
I do wish Ben would learn to stand up for himself a bit more instead of just standing there looking pitiful. (not that I wish he'd hit/push back... I dunno what I expect him to do, really) But he is all too often the little guy in the bunch and so he gets pushed and hit a lot! (um yeah, we're used to it) I'm getting a little concerned about how this will go down at the preschool in September!
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