The twos, they are already terrible
This is a long post, but if you love me you will read it. I need some help.
We have most assuredly entered the twos with Isaac. In fact, I flipped casually ahead in the Bedside Toddler Bible and saw that he is already doing everything an advanced child of 2-1/2 can do. From what I have read, he is pretty typical in that his moods are a mixed bag. He regularly tells Dada and I that he loves us, and I was treated, both yesterday and today, to a special surprise -- get your hankies ready -- when he told me that I was his best friend. "Mommy (steps over and gives me a huge hug) Bess fwen" he says. LOVE that boy. He gives me so much to love every day.
In many respects, he is also a well behaved young man and does what we tell him to, though there are times when he is obviously testing boundaries and looks at us with that little devil gleam as he goes right ahead and does that thing he shouldn't. My favorites are when you sneak up on him as he is doing something he knows is bad. He literally jumps out of his skin and drops whatever he was doing, giving you that "You weren't supposed to see that!" look. Oh well. Worse things have happened. All this I can handle, and find amusing or even cute.
What I can't handle is this. When Jacob was born, I think Isaac instantly became more conscious of the concept of "mine." In the past two weeks, he has concocted a phrase, used at all times throughout the day no matter what we are doing, and regardless of whether or not something actually IS his:
"No, stop it, mommy! That's MINE!"
Sometimes this leads to immediate sobbing and sinking to the floor; more often than not, it is simply a declaration and then life continues. If he has ahold of an object, it is usually accompanied by arm-flailing away from me (or the current assailant) and possible flinging of the object.
Okay now, this is the first time I'm doing this, and I realize that he is soon to be two, and that issues with sharing are bound to come up. But this statement and its back-talk bretheren are getting ridiculous and driving me completely insane for several reasons:
*It has made for highly embarrassing public situations already. Two weeks ago we were out enjoying the sunshine around the dorms and ran into a nice girl practicing baton-twirling. She let Isaac play with her baton, and then I encouraged him to give it back, which he surprisingly did willingly. Then (with Jacob strapped to me) I took his hand and tried to get him to come with me away from her, to leave the poor girl alone. He sat down on the sidewalk and said "No! Stop it, mommy!" with me tugging away at his arm, such that it clearly looked to the non-mommy baton-twirler like I was hurting him. Another example: when Mamaw and Dadaw were here, we went to the mall. If Isaac was allowed to walk the mall unfettered he continually ran away, so I plopped him in his stroller. There was, predictably, horrible wailing. Later, he asked to get down and walk, and I told him he could on the condition that he didn't try to run away. Naturally, he did, and when I drug him back to the stroller (again, by his arm, again, with Jacob strapped to me), he yelled "OW! Stop it, mommy!" This was in the middle of a crowd of people, though I wasn't one of them because I had mercifully sunk through the floor.
*I took him to playgroup on Thursday, the first time we had been in two weeks, and it was a nightmare. We go to playgroup at a local church that has a huge stockpile of toys that everyone is supposed to share. Naturally sometimes, and for some kids, this can be a problem. But for my child, on this day, it was impossible. First he hoarded two balls. They were difficult for him to carry simultaneously, but if he dropped one, he screamed about how "No, that's mine!" and fussed until he could pick it up again. If somebody was playing with a toy he wanted, he told them "No, that's mine!" and when I explained that he couldn't have it, he fell to the floor in a melodramatic fuss-heap. I will admit that he was hungry (having refused to eat breakfast) and tired (having gotten up far too early for anyone's liking), and that his behavior did improve once we got to snacking, but still.
*This morning we went over to Ella's house, and, while he wasn't quite so bad as at playgroup, he still insisted that all of Ella's toys were "mine!" Weirder, when little Ella would try to touch him, he would wrest himself away from her, saying "No, Ella, that's my shirt!"
Internet, I don't really know what to do. Here's what we ARE doing, though it doesn't seem to be working. When he says "No mommy, stop it!" I say "We don't say 'stop it' to mommy". When he says "No, that's mine!" I tell him yes or no, that is or isn't his. At playgroup, we have always had a hard and fast rule that if somebody else is playing with a toy, he can't touch it unless he's invited; if he says "No, that's mine!" I remind him that, in fact, none of those toys are his, and that everyone has to share or that he has to wait his turn. Now I admit I may have instigated a bit of a problem because I have never really made him share with me at home. If he wants to pway twains, and I am playing with Gordon and he takes him out of my hand, I've never said anything about it because, well, *I* don't care if he wants to play with Gordon or not. I realize I should care, that I should set a more consistent example by acting, in this instance, like a playmate (or a "bess fwen"). But other than that, I gots nothin'.
Does anybody have any advice? Cause really, this sucks. I want to be able to take my child places without everyone around me suggesting that he's having a bad day.
We have most assuredly entered the twos with Isaac. In fact, I flipped casually ahead in the Bedside Toddler Bible and saw that he is already doing everything an advanced child of 2-1/2 can do. From what I have read, he is pretty typical in that his moods are a mixed bag. He regularly tells Dada and I that he loves us, and I was treated, both yesterday and today, to a special surprise -- get your hankies ready -- when he told me that I was his best friend. "Mommy (steps over and gives me a huge hug) Bess fwen" he says. LOVE that boy. He gives me so much to love every day.
In many respects, he is also a well behaved young man and does what we tell him to, though there are times when he is obviously testing boundaries and looks at us with that little devil gleam as he goes right ahead and does that thing he shouldn't. My favorites are when you sneak up on him as he is doing something he knows is bad. He literally jumps out of his skin and drops whatever he was doing, giving you that "You weren't supposed to see that!" look. Oh well. Worse things have happened. All this I can handle, and find amusing or even cute.
What I can't handle is this. When Jacob was born, I think Isaac instantly became more conscious of the concept of "mine." In the past two weeks, he has concocted a phrase, used at all times throughout the day no matter what we are doing, and regardless of whether or not something actually IS his:
"No, stop it, mommy! That's MINE!"
Sometimes this leads to immediate sobbing and sinking to the floor; more often than not, it is simply a declaration and then life continues. If he has ahold of an object, it is usually accompanied by arm-flailing away from me (or the current assailant) and possible flinging of the object.
Okay now, this is the first time I'm doing this, and I realize that he is soon to be two, and that issues with sharing are bound to come up. But this statement and its back-talk bretheren are getting ridiculous and driving me completely insane for several reasons:
*It has made for highly embarrassing public situations already. Two weeks ago we were out enjoying the sunshine around the dorms and ran into a nice girl practicing baton-twirling. She let Isaac play with her baton, and then I encouraged him to give it back, which he surprisingly did willingly. Then (with Jacob strapped to me) I took his hand and tried to get him to come with me away from her, to leave the poor girl alone. He sat down on the sidewalk and said "No! Stop it, mommy!" with me tugging away at his arm, such that it clearly looked to the non-mommy baton-twirler like I was hurting him. Another example: when Mamaw and Dadaw were here, we went to the mall. If Isaac was allowed to walk the mall unfettered he continually ran away, so I plopped him in his stroller. There was, predictably, horrible wailing. Later, he asked to get down and walk, and I told him he could on the condition that he didn't try to run away. Naturally, he did, and when I drug him back to the stroller (again, by his arm, again, with Jacob strapped to me), he yelled "OW! Stop it, mommy!" This was in the middle of a crowd of people, though I wasn't one of them because I had mercifully sunk through the floor.
*I took him to playgroup on Thursday, the first time we had been in two weeks, and it was a nightmare. We go to playgroup at a local church that has a huge stockpile of toys that everyone is supposed to share. Naturally sometimes, and for some kids, this can be a problem. But for my child, on this day, it was impossible. First he hoarded two balls. They were difficult for him to carry simultaneously, but if he dropped one, he screamed about how "No, that's mine!" and fussed until he could pick it up again. If somebody was playing with a toy he wanted, he told them "No, that's mine!" and when I explained that he couldn't have it, he fell to the floor in a melodramatic fuss-heap. I will admit that he was hungry (having refused to eat breakfast) and tired (having gotten up far too early for anyone's liking), and that his behavior did improve once we got to snacking, but still.
*This morning we went over to Ella's house, and, while he wasn't quite so bad as at playgroup, he still insisted that all of Ella's toys were "mine!" Weirder, when little Ella would try to touch him, he would wrest himself away from her, saying "No, Ella, that's my shirt!"
Internet, I don't really know what to do. Here's what we ARE doing, though it doesn't seem to be working. When he says "No mommy, stop it!" I say "We don't say 'stop it' to mommy". When he says "No, that's mine!" I tell him yes or no, that is or isn't his. At playgroup, we have always had a hard and fast rule that if somebody else is playing with a toy, he can't touch it unless he's invited; if he says "No, that's mine!" I remind him that, in fact, none of those toys are his, and that everyone has to share or that he has to wait his turn. Now I admit I may have instigated a bit of a problem because I have never really made him share with me at home. If he wants to pway twains, and I am playing with Gordon and he takes him out of my hand, I've never said anything about it because, well, *I* don't care if he wants to play with Gordon or not. I realize I should care, that I should set a more consistent example by acting, in this instance, like a playmate (or a "bess fwen"). But other than that, I gots nothin'.
Does anybody have any advice? Cause really, this sucks. I want to be able to take my child places without everyone around me suggesting that he's having a bad day.
posted by Claire at 11:12 PM
8 Comments:
I think you are doing all the right things... he's just being two! (that's what people keep saying to me!) I think as long as you are firm and consistent and, when necessary, willing to hold your ground and not give in, it'll get better eventally.
In the meantime, Target as a t-shirt you really need to go get. I couldn't find it online, but it says this. ;)
Toddler Rules of Possession
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
LOL, Erin! I had seen this before and was thinking of it a little while writing this post...and yet I still wonder if my child needs fixing. Because I'm a mother.
But really, I could use advice on how to get this to stop. I'm afraid we're turning into "those parents."
Claire, I wish that I knew. It is also so hard when you have a little one becuase it isn't so easy to just pick him up in a normal fashion. Trust me, I KNOW. We left the mexican rest. last week rather than deal with his fits. My approach at home is to ignore it and if he continues to tantrum I tell him "You may have your tantrum in your room with the door shut" and I put him in there and let him go to town. Unfortunately in public I just look like some crazed mother carrying a one year old and dragging a two year old by his arm.
I too am looking for the cure of the terrible tantrum twos. Just last night Clay and I were walking around the neighborhood and there were some big kids playing baseball (with a hard bat and hard ball). These kids watched in horror as I my child screamed at me and I pulled him away so they could finish their game. I try to put him in his room and shut the door when we are home and he has tantrums. But when in public I think he steps it up a notch and really freaks out because he knows I am helpless. I've even resorted to lightly slapping his hand when he is doing something bad, but he thinks "mommy funny". Lets hope that this terrible two phase is short lived because between my morning sickness that lasts all day and me being a single mom right now I'm ready for a change!!! By the way we are moving to Denver!!!!! I'll email you everything later
This could have been written by me aobut my son at that age. He was EXACTLY the same way! His fits usually were in conjunction with with playing with his first cousin (who is one week younger that Southern Boy). I wish I could tell you what I did to "fix" it, but truth is he just grew out of it (about a year and a half later :-( ) One thing that helped tremendously was starting preschool. I truly wouldn't stress out over it. It got better the less I tried to calm him down. In other words, I would just ignore his fit instead of trying to coax him into doing what I wanted him to do, and he would eventually just stop and go on and play. Terrible twos suck bad, but I hope you don't have to suffer long!
Hi, I came from R*Belle's site. I feel for ya, I really do...I've got a fiesty girl who will be three in June...I know what it's like.
I think you've gotten some really great support and advice so far -- and unfortunately, there really is no "fix" for this kind of behaviour. It's their way of expressing themselves, the best way they can. What I did with my daughter was pick a phrase and stick with it. In this case, it was something like, "Yes, it's yours, but you can share your toy/shirt/apple/whatever." I just kept repeating that over and over, and using it in other instances, too. Say I was eating something that my daughter wanted, like a bagel. She'd come up to me and ask for some and I'd make a point of saying, "Sure, I'll *share* it with you, just like you share your toys with me/Daddy/little girl down the street." I just kept reinforcing it and eventually, it seemed to sink in a bit. Some days are better than others, but most are with toddlers, aren't they?
Good luck. :)
OK, you don't know me, but you asked, so I s'pose this isn't entirely unsolicited advice. We have been through the twos four times now. Our youngest turned three last month.
The first thing to get firmly in your head is that there is no cure (save time) for the terible twos! Because there is nothing to cure. You can only treat it symptomaticly. With patience and persistence it gets easier. Try not to worry about what others are thinking - either they understand and it doesn't matter, or they don't understand and they are jerks and it still doesn't matter.
Our first action with an impending tantrum was a warning - "If you pitch a fit we will have to..." Next came removal. I know this can be challenging, espesially with a little one on board. Try and think ahead so you have an option open. In a store, going back out to the car is usually a good choice - I always used a cart, even for quick trips, so I'd have it for emergency todler tantrum transport. If I had to physically remove a colapsing child, I tried to avoid arm dragging. I usually did it with both hands under the armpits with the child facing away from me (so I didn't have to deal with kicking or hitting), or oftem simply by picking them up by the back of the coat or overalls (I loved overalls). We generally had our babies in a sling which left both hands free for this.
Tantrums we usually handled by holding whenever possible. We would place the fit pitcher on our lap, facing away, and hold them gently but firmly. We would repond calmly and lovingly to anything they said. Usually after not very long, the root issue of the fit would come out and restraint would turn to comforting.
As far as the posesiveness goes - I believe that Isaac is just trying to find the boundaries. Lack of understandable boundaries is terrifying to a child. Be kind, firm, and absolutely obstinate in your application of limits. Explain them in "grown up talk". I wouldn't go out of my way to antagonize my kids, but if they got into "No! Stop! Mine!" mode I would tend to do the oposite as if it was what I had meant to do all along - then I would talk it over with them (after the tantrum stopped). Anything snatched would imediately be confiscated until politeness had been reaserted. Conversely sharing would be rewarded - on the way home from a good playgroup session say, "You were so good sharing today, I think we will go share an ice cream".
Some general tips:
Try to get to thier height when talking to them - take a knee, sit in chairs. It makes you "loom" less and frees the conversation up.
Make time for "Mommy and Me without the baby" time.
Give lots of warnings about what is going to happen. When leaving give 5, 2, and 1 minute warnings. They have a bad sense of time so don't worry if your times are off by a minute or five.
Biggest Tip!!!
Always express lots of love and reasurrance while rigidly upholding the boundaries. Discipline should not equal "Mommy's mad!".
Keep it up - you will do fine and it does gert easier... then it gets harder, then easier, then harder... (see a patern here?)
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